I bought these shoes last year when they weren't on sale and so they are a bit pricey, but they are so comfy.  I had to splurge which I do once in a long time, because once in awhile you should.  Anyways, I usually wear these with suits or suit pants that are cropped.  I could probably wear them with tailored shift dresses if I wanted to.  they're good for work if you're trying to look polished but don't want to hurt your feet wearing heels...

Undo what's been done to you...

Right now for many years, it’s been years since 2007, that I have forgiven him.  I was really angry with everything and at the world for many years after our breakup since we last saw each other, but that anger really took a toll on me.  I was so bitter I would cry at nights, wanting to take my vengeance out on him.  I had so much hatred for him and for men, that I told myself I would never be nice to another guy anymore not until things got better in 2007.  I was, in a way, a bitch to people.  Some people knew me as a nice person, but most knew me as an angry person.

I had problems with many things back then due to my hatred towards my ex.  I would try to call him up, and try to yell at him for putting me through what I went through when I had dated him.  It was a horrible relationship, because I constantly cried and fought with him many, many times.  When he left, I wanted to put my revenge out on him for putting me through the things he put me through.  I had lost friends and had been away from my family and I even felt suicidal.  I remembered that I would sit in a warm tub of water and contemplate with thoughts of suicide.  But, it never happened…  he was always around me, and we saw each other constantly and when he had left me, it was hard to let go. 

So, when I dated in 2007, I was real angry to my second ex.  I yelled at him and he constantly thought, “Why him?”  He said I was real pretty, but he could never date me because I was a real bitch.  After he left, I knew he didn’t love me because he couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t have a real career.  He mostly saw that in me, and left because he wanted someone who had strong passions in their career goals.  He was real shallow, I would say, and then my friend passed away.  He always said, “Be happy…” (I wrote about him in my blog, he’s the one who passed away.)  After that great loss, I decided I was going to be nice and be happy.  I was always nice growing up, but it was in my twenties when I lost whom I was, because of my first ex.  I stopped being angry and started being nice. 

It wasn’t until years after the second ex-boyfriend, when I dated the love of my life.  I called him “True love” because I changed a lot after him.  He started yelling at me a lot after the first few months of dating and he was going through exactly what I was going through with my first ex.  He was real fed up with people and girls treating him badly that he exploded on me and I was his victim taking the punches like I was a punching bag.  But I never hated him, because I understood why he had exploded on me. All of that disrespect and sadness was put on him made him real angry and it had to come out.  I loved him a lot because I saw his struggles and the sadness in his life.  When I see someone yelling and putting their anger out on someone, I see someone who is struggling and battling within themselves. 

Right there, I knew that I had to break the cycle because in my twenties I did that, did things back to people because of what someone did to me.  Just because of one bad experience with an ex-boyfriend,

After this person left, I decided that I was going to undo my doings, so I let him leave while I was so in love with him.  I had to let go because I wanted him mostly to be happy.  I wasn’t sure if he was going to come back but I had always had feelings that he would, but it wasn’t this case because he came back to be, in a way, my friend.  I wouldn’t call us friends, just two people who care about each other.  We’re not close, good friends, we’re just two people who care for one another, because we don’t converse to each other really.  I had to let him go again because he had to live his life, but while I was emailing him, I told him that he needs to undo what people have done to him.  I don’t know if he agreed but I told him why.

If you want to break the cycle of shit going back to you, you must undo the cycle by being the bigger and better person.  You must be nice to this person or the next person and treat that someone like a human being.  You can’t treat them with disrespect, but like someone who is an equal, because if you are to be treated with dignity and respect, you must treat this other person with dignity and respect. 

When this ex-boyfriend was with me, I was nice to him so I didn’t yell back at him.  I knew that I had to stop doing that, because it’s no way of being a good girlfriend.  Yet, he was the one yelling, but I had to find ways to calm him down because he needed someone like that, and I knew that I shouldn’t yell back at him because I understood his pain and suffering.  I understood why because I was, once there, suffering and being bitter before. 

So that’s why I call him my “True love” because I was faced with karma and I understood that I needed to show and tell him what I learned.   I learned that people need to undo what’s done to them, because the cycle needs to be broken.

Revenge does that, it goes right back to your face and shows you that you cannot dig two graves for him or her and you.  So please, be the bigger and better person by learning from your past and doing things differently by being a good person with a heart. 

P.S. Many people say stop talking to him and I didn't do that, I just kept being there for him until he needed to be away, but what I'm doing is 'undoing what he's done' which he leaving me, so I undid that.  Everyone leaves me but I'm doing this so I break the cycle and not do what he did to me...

That’s my story of ‘undoing what’s been done to you’ so you break the cycle of hatred and vengeance.

I'm trying to be a minimalist...

With the world over-consuming everything, with so much in the stores, and people not really buying or if they are, stores are constantly stocking up their shelves to have people buy.

I am trying to be a minimalist, and will start soon.  I do feel real disgusted with myself that I have so much clothing in my room and so many other things, like piles and piles of makeup, and not just that my room has many pairs of shoes.  I get discounts and what not from buying things because nowadays you can get good things at very low discounted prices.  The clothing items I buy are really cheap, they don't look cheap, but it's piled up in my room and I don't even wear some of the things.  I'm trying to get this blog going where I show you my style and what I think looks good, but really I am pretty disgusted with myself.  Over five years I have accumulated all of this pile of clothing.  I buy things I think will be a classic or will last me for a while when it comes to being stylish, where I can go to work in or where I can have a good night spent at a club with something that looks like a classic.  A classic usually doesn't go away in fashion, it's fashion cycle peaks and sits there until it finally goes out of style but it sits there at the peak for a long time, for example, a cardigan.  A cardigan has been in style for a long, long time.

Anyways, what is a minimalist?

I think a minimalist, really tries to keep what they need in life and pass off things that society is depended on and they feel they don't need them so they don't buy or consume those things.  They can live without a TV, a car, a nice, decorated home or anything that they think they don't need.  In society, we are so depended on things like a fancy mobile phone that keeps all of my files and information on it, it's like a small little computer that fits in our palm or hand.  Do you actually need something like that?  Do you really need a smart phone?  It all depends, if you ask the real questions.  Maybe what you need is a small flip phone that just dials the number and if you really need something to get you from point A to point b, you would need really a map and if you need directions getting somewhere and a map can't do that like for example, walking to some place, just ask a stranger...For many years and decades, we have done this without a smart phone.

What if one day our satellite gets knocked out, what would we do with our phones?  We can't use it until our satellite gets fixed.  How we do get around without a cell phone, how do we communicate without the connection?

That is one thing that I am trying to do is to become a doomsday's prepper one day,  I am trying to be a minimalist and also that as well as being a survivalist, because I feel we need to prepare for ourselves.

We don't necessarily need the fancy things in our lives if we are to be living in a minimalist's world.
I believe Buddhist monks also are minimalists and they live their lives without certain things in their lives.

We tend to put a lot of meaning into the things or possessions we have, and what can you do without it?  If you can do without certain things or thing is to first of all ask yourself if you really need whatever that is.  Would you die if you didn't have it, and if you are to ask yourself if you are going to die without it, means there is more meaning to it if you are on the brick of surviving with it and having it in your life, then the other things or possessions in your life have no or very little meaning compared to this thing.

I told myself, if I were to buy a place, I would buy a trailer and not decorate it from the inside.  If i were to buy a house I would not even decorate it as well and it would be a small house that has enough rooms for everyone within my family, and i don't intend to have a big family.  It would have just the simple things within in it that I, we, us, need.  I have had many possessions in my life where they were too heavy to carry when we moved, and having that trailer that I want and need one day, I would be able to move wherever I can park my trailer.  I have moved many times in my life and those possessions almost broke my back when I have tried to move to another place.

So that's why I am trying to be a minimalist in every I do.  Even in the way I style my clothing on a mannequin.  Even in the way I wear my makeup when I go out.  I hardly even go out that much so that's why I say I have a simple life.  I hardly even travel as well so that's why I am simple and that I have a simple life.  I am a very simple girl, with a complicated mind.  My mind is only complicated because I think a lot and everything to me in my mind is complicated because subjects are always overlapping and contradicting, but the minimalist's mind is trying to be simple and minimal in the way they do and have things.

A classic black wrap dress...

Probably looks nice in the office wearing something like this, but you can also turn this into a classic, sexy with heels kind of night thing.  It hugs the body in a slightly sexy way while being a classic. It has gold accents on the end of the sleeves and on the side where the wrap dress meets.  It's a nice classic kind of subtle sexy...

Given time...what would you do?

Actually, I’m quite busy but if I was given time to do something I would probably try to relax.  I don’t even know how to relax, but I think these days I need to, at least, try relaxing when it comes to things around me or the world. I don’t worry at all anymore. All I do really is think inside of my head. I mostly, think of funny things and positive things. I got away from worrying a long time ago.  What I say to people when it comes to getting from point A to point B is that you shouldn’t worry because you are getting from point A to point B already.  Worrying is just useless.  It just drives you mad, but if you are to really get something from it is that you shouldn’t worry and that you learn from everything, even this.  You can learn from just anything and everything, I mean it, you can.  Everything that comes to mind has a moral lesson to it.  If everything is to have its good and bad, it’s going to have a lesson because if it’s good, it means it's something important to you and if it’s bad, you learn to get away from it.  The beauty is within everything because it has its good and bad and if everything is beautiful, then the beauty in it is that it taught you something.

Well, I can go on about the beauty of things and people, but I should really focus on what I would do if I was given time.

Maybe if I was given time and money wasn’t an issue, I would help the homeless.  I really feel for them, because they’re going through something horrible and even if it’s not that, they may have chosen to live in a tent because basically they don’t need a solid roof over their heads and just live a simple life. You can’t basically rule out that they are just lazy bums and don’t want to do anything with their lives.  Maybe they are going through a phase in their life, struggling and falling and hitting rock bottom because they made a bad choice.  Don’t tell me you have never made a bad choice and got stuck, because we all do it’s just that some people at some extent have made more horrible choices.  People make mistakes all of the time, but you can’t push them away or look at people with disgust because one day you might end up like them, going through a horrible phase in your life.

No one is invincible.

I’m not invincible, because that day may not come and we end up kneeling on our knees asking God (if there’s a god) what we should do, but end up being on the streets, begging.  Life is so precious and fragile that that solid, stable life could end in a particular time in your life.  Everyone gets into car accidents all of the time, so you could end up with a brain injury that destabilizes your life and then have to rely on the government or what not…but your brain is so rattled up that you can’t sustain a life, a stable life, that you end up walking around, talking to yourself and everyone’s thinking you’re crazy. 

I do not think I’m invincible…so that’s why I pay forward, because when I look at the homeless, I see a vision of myself being there in their shoes.

Maybe it has something to do with emotional intelligence.

I do feel everyone’s pain and I, sometimes, get sad on the inside when I see people begging on the streets or people suffering some kind of pain: physical, emotional or mental.

Yeah, so that’s what I would do if I was given the time…  the homeless thing, I’ve been volunteering a little bit here and there almost every day, and the relaxation thing, I try, I do try.  I feel I cannot relax when it comes to relaxing but just give me the time and patience and effort. I would give it a chance.  I love that I think within myself and is lucky to have these thoughts. 

Anyways, have a good day…

Love this blue dress with flowers or blossoms on it.  It looks real feminine on...I love wrap dresses, especially for someone my age, which I am in my thirties and it shapes the body real nice.

scarves...i look around and see scarves selling in retail stores.  They're back... Scarves were in, in the 90's...and I'm thinking they're back.  They go good in the hair, around the neck and even on purses...  I bought two scarves and yes, the scarves were nice...

What do you mean by shattering glass ceilings...

The moment when I saw that meme about women shattering glass ceilings, I was wondering what they meant by that…  Is it to build yourself into a billionaire, where almost everyone wanted that or where you actually think about what women aren’t doing for them-selves when it comes to the world entirely? Do you want to profit off the poor laboring and breaking their backs just so they get a dollar or less a day, or using the working blue collar class to do their job at the bottom making wages that don’t let them get by in life?  Anyways this company is not so bad because they do let their employees have commission when they’re on the floor, selling for this company.  It’s just that companies need to be more of an example (or more socially responsible) for our citizens, showing us or them that serving the community would help us in the end and that we need more people out there doing things for people, helping them. serving them so they can have a good life as well.

When I think of “shattering glass ceilings,” I think of serving the humanity and world, doing something to help this world because we need more people like this.  If you are to shatter glass ceilings in this time of era, you would need to do something extraordinary in helping your generation and the next generations live until we have evolved to sustain this world and ourselves.  We cannot go and pollute the air, land, and water anymore; we must do something to keep world order and to keep thriving as a society or societies that know how the world works. 

This was posted by a popular retail fashion company that has used six foot, size “0” models… Hmmm it does make think…  What do you mean by that? You mean shatter glass ceilings with an eating disorder or using photoshop that has distortions of women’s bodies and that their photos are making people feel insignificant to their own bodies?  I don’t know what they meant?  Anyways, I do not want to know that living the lavish lifestyle as in worrying about when the next designer bag comes out or wearing high couture fashion does anything to shatter glass ceilings, meaning we should have look up to Kim Kardashian?  I do sometimes splurge when it comes to wanting to have something expensive, but I feel people have the right to, and it’s none of my business.  But my concern here is do I really need that bag, do I really need my closet to be filled with all kinds of clothing that I don’t even wear or haven’t worn yet? Please go through your closets and donate when you can or give away your clothing when you can so you can have a fresh new start in the new seasons, with new wardrobes...

But in a way we have overconsumed as a society, wanting and needing things that we don’t even need or use.  The overconsumption of our society has polluted the earth and the world. 

The dyes that we put on our clothing the reason why it can’t go into the water is because if dyes cannot be washed off and is permanent, means that the excess water of dyes goes somewhere?  It goes into our waterways and pollutes and kills fish wildlife.

Please if you are a professor or an instructor at a college or even a teacher at a high school, tell your students to do something about the world, and tell them to invent or pioneer something in this lifetime to sustain the world so it doesn’t end for the next generations.

If you don’t want your children or children of your children blaming us for destroying the world, please do something about it.  Please voice these matters to your students, come up with a program that teaches about sustainability and the environment.

The environment, having clean water to drink and bathe in, having the clean air to breath does make us thrive in order to have that extraordinary life having to leave whatever legend behind somewhere in life, where people shatter glass ceilings.

If you are to shatter glass ceilings, what do you want to hear?  This or someone telling you that you should look up to the rich who live lavish lifestyles, whom some of us have profit off of the poor or someone who has concern for you and your family and the whole world.  this whole world is all connected and if we are to be selfish and think for ourselves, it doesn't serve us well in the end, because everything is connected.  This whole world is a continuous cycle.  what happens there, happens here...

Things to think about.

When it comes to this black and white outfit, it looks nice on but I'm not no model so I didn't take a photo of myself in it.  My sister said I looked like a New Yorker when she saw me in it, and in a way, I do... Anyways, I didn't roll up my sleeves when I've worn this, I actually like the cuffs lay out at the end of my arms and it looked very sophisticated...

When it comes to dating...

When I go on a date, I will ask, “What kind of girl do you like? And give me an example, a Hollywood example.”  It’s a trick question, Ladies.  I ask this question because I want to know if they care about looks.  One guy whom I was talking to said “the girl from Cinderella.”  I’m not quite sure what her name is, but she is really, really beautiful.  So I know this guy really care about looks…  I don’t like it when guys tell me that they like to talk to beautiful girls and go “You’re beautiful.”  Right when I hear that, I go, “Uhh, you can’t date me, I don’t care about looks, and you are not handsome, means I don’t care about looks to even give you a chance to go on a date with me, so why would I go for someone who cares about looks; I would be selling myself short.” The only reason why I give people who don’t look good a chance is because they may seem like a good guy.  I’m going to give someone a chance who seems good, right, not based on if they have a good job or is good looking?

This world is so superficial and Hollywood has made it impossible for people to really think about who is right for them, but Noooo…they have to have standards that say that they want someone who is really beautiful, when they’re not even close to that.  Not even close… Wayyy off. Think about it ladies, when men tell you that they like/love a celebrity, it means he cares about looks.  There could be other reasons but anyways most of the time it tells you that. Most of everyone cares about looks, but really if they like someone who looks really, really beautiful and is impossible for them to find someone like that, they will leave you in an instance when a girl like that comes along, which in the end, will not happen and they will probably end up running back to you.  When that happens, girls, say “NOOOooooo” as in Russell Peter’s “No” to that. Me, I’ll say that someone is cute or good looking, but it doesn’t mean I like them, I just tell them the truth that they are good looking. That’s all. But, honestly, this last guy, whom I was talking to, did not look handsome.  He didn’t even have a good job, which I don’t care about. He looked like he hasn’t dated in a while and it was true, he didn’t have a girlfriend for a while.  No one was willing to give him a chance, until a few months ago.  He was with a girl for several months, while a few months later he talked to me, which I think was very wrong.

I have high moral values, man. I will not cheat with a man when he has someone. I do not want someone to do that to me when I’m dating them, so why would I do that.  It’s uncontrollable and very egotistical when women or men do that.  I do not fall in love when someone tells me that they think I’m beautiful. I am so tired of men telling me that I’m beautiful to my face that’s why I just don’t care anymore. I am real tired of men choosing me for my looks.  On top of that, I am real nice and have a lot going on.  There’s going to be people who are better looking than me, means that if he chose me for my looks, he will leave me for someone better.  It’s very superficial of some men.

I’m not superficial to be dating superficial men. It will not make any sense to be dating someone like that when my values are not the same as that.

Sometimes people give me the dirty look when they hear that I’ve gone for men who are not good looking, who do not have good jobs, because they think I have no or very low standards. If you know my mentality and what I’ve been through, then you would have not judge.  Man, I just let them judge, and then I go, ”You know what, Bitch, you’re not me to understand whom I am to be saying that. Just run off to your fairy tale little world.”  I’m not mean but I’m done with people who accuse me of anything, because I am not a certain way due to how I see the world. I am so fed up with what the world has become, that I am doing things that are different from a lot of people. I, honestly, do not separate myself from people, but in a way, I am different, because there’s a lot of bullshit going around.

Some people may think, “You will never find anyone.”  I have gotten comments like that on my page, and I go, “You know what, I don’t want your husband. I’m not looking at your life, and wanting your life, because I don’t. Honestly, I don’t.”

I have not looked at anyone’s husband or boyfriend and wanted them, I back the fuck off.

I have spoken to men who have wives and girlfriends, and I know why they talk to me.  It’s because they want to keep me on the side just in case their girlfriends or wives leave them, OR, they just feel empowered or full of themselves when they are talking to a pretty girl.  Maybe they don’t want to date me, but it’s an ego thing.  These are the type of guys who will not leave their girlfriend because maybe their girlfriends are young or maybe they have good jobs to even be leaving them for you.

Men these days need a girlfriend or wife who has a good job to just keep their life financially stable, because that’s just how men are nowadays.  The economy is not so great, that’s why.

I’m telling you, you should be careful when you’re getting to know men because you have to be smart and ask the right questions.  I said “QUESTIONS, not question.” Test him, do it for your-self, and see what kind of men he is.  Test him or get to know him first before getting serious, because you will end up with a man who is fickle probably or won’t love you entirely, who will leave you right when a prettier or sexier girl comes along.

And if you’re a guy, please be smart as well, because all of this is not just for women, it’s for the men as well.  If you’re a good looking man or a man who has a lot going on, please test the women and be smart when you’re on dates.  And even if you’re not good looking or don’t have a lot going on, be smart if you’re not the type who longs for beautiful women.  Just don’t, okay, if you care about looks.  I get away from people who care about looks, because to me that’s superficial.

P.S. Sometimes, guys and girls will tell you that they idle someone like a celebrity just because, but will not give up on you, because you’re too good to give up on, it’s just that it’s just a celebrity.  I’m just saying that if you ask the right question about whom their ideal girl is, and they go this and this (celebrity) then you will know.

Want something to wear at work? Emerald Green blouse with black accents. Micro pleated midi skirt with black belt, and black choker, paired with booties.  

That moment when you’ve fallen in love or have loved…why you should learn to love…

Everyone wants to love at first sight because everyone is looking to have that fix, that drive that emotion of feeling like you are on cloud 9, but I don’t desire that kind of love.  Even after you have fallen in love at first sight, you are feeling weak in the knees as if you have fallen and you are in love in an instance you may not stay in love after... I do not want that. I want to be ‘sober’, myself, my stable self, when I am in love.  I want to feel loved when I’m grounded, when my feet, my whole body are all together and functioning, realizing things.  When you have fallen in love at first, things and love in your heart and in your mind goes haywire and you float, but I don’t want that feeling. I do not need to float around all day, feeling butterflies, I want that real love that love that comes patiently and that finally gets here, because learning to love is amazing, you have never known that this guy or woman could make you feel so in love.  This guy who enters your life whom you thought could not change you from the inside, changes you and you realize that, yes, you should never look at someone just once and go, he’s the one.  You have thought about it twice and again and again but have made your choice because you were being rational.  You may conclude that no one can ever replace him, and falling in love at first sight is too risky to even put your trust on someone who makes you fleet at the moment when you have laid your eyes on him, based on his looks or the way he walks and talks.  I cannot risk my life my heart on someone based on how he looks or how he sounds or talks because my life, my heart are too precious to be fleeting or floating on cloud 9.  I am going to approach love with tenderness, love and care with patience because I need to know he will not hurt me in the end.  Even if I've finally loved, he leaves me, I need to know that I have placed my heart onto someone who will not bash me or hurt me furthermore.  I am going to enter into caution when it has something to do with my heart. My heart does not need to be ripped from my body when someone leaves, but when I am cautious of whom I trust with my Heart, I’m going to know that I won’t become the enemy.  It’s just too risky to fall in love at first sight.

I’ve never really ever fallen in love at first sight, not even once… but I have learned to love at least twice.  To me, falling in love at first sight is too risky and it makes you weak in the knees to even know what’s going on. There were times when I wanted to experience it but now I don’t.

I feel it’s even better to learn to love, then to have fallen in love in the end or in the middle somewhere because it’s epic to have loved the one person you’re with, fully with everything you got.  It’s amazing to have loved.

Some people in my life have not had the chance to love, and they rush themselves into a situation without knowing that they can even love the person, but stay with them because they want to love.  That moment when you love finally is amazing just like when you have fallen in love at first sight, even though I never had a chance to love at first sight, but because of this, I don’t have the desire to. I do feel for that person who really wants to love and be in a relationship, because I have always wanted to love and do that again and again.  I feel complete when I love and at the same time vulnerable because it’s that vulnerability that makes you want to have that drive in life, to ask him what you need from him.

When you feel vulnerable and you’re in love, you ask politely for love when you need it.

You can even demand it, to be feisty with your lover and he may even love you more for that.  But the desire to want more by asking something from your lover and then your lover giving it to you like, for example, your needs of wanting more intimacy is called compromising. You learn so much when you are in a relationship, the values that come out from it, teaches you about relationships and compromising.

That feistiness, that passionate love was when I have fallen in love because I saw how desirable passion is. Passion has that fire-y quality to it and keeps you motivated and drives your life, your instincts. I used to not have passion in my life before and when I saw it within him, I wanted the drive and motivation, and it gave me purpose.  Love does that to you, gives you purpose to do what you need to do in order to live or thrive.

I have fallen in love because I saw the sadness, the struggle that that person have endured before I came into this person’s life, and I became aware of how sad his life was.  When I have heard him say those things to me, I felt sadness and became something or someone who has never been, which is to be someone who has in that moment, fallen in love. I have only fallen in love once in my life…but have loved twice.

How to love…?

You choose someone who has good character.  Character over chemistry, is what I say when finding someone or when you choose someone to be in your life.

When you look at someone, you could tell he’s a good man by the way he walks, talks, looks at you, by the way he is with you in the beginning.  Get to know him well before getting serious; this means you should not have sexual relations with him right away.  You should at least give him three or six months before you get sexually active with him.  Men lose interest fast when they’re having sexual relations with someone on the first day or soon after a few dates.

I said “Character over chemistry” because that chemistry may spark when you have gotten to know him, or that moment when you have fallen in love. Chemistry may come later.

When you have seen his vulnerable side, that moment when you open your heart up to him, you feel the emotions flowing through you.  You can tell he’s being serious and true to you through what he is saying or how he behaves in front of you.   Please be careful with a man who is trying to get money from you or wants to get you to do anything bad for him.  A real man does not ask for money or lure you into doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.  Men, think about this too.  When a woman is trying to get money from you, do not fall into the trap.  She may be using you.

If you’re not supposed to be doing something, please do not do it; it is not worth putting yourself into a mess that will get you into trouble.  If it’s something questionable or something that is harmful to you in the end, do not do it.

When he is being real with you, he will tell you and show you whom he is on the inside; Take notice and understand that men do not always tell people about what his feelings are.  Men do not really talk about feelings; they keep that to themselves until he speaks to the right person, and that may be you.

Anyways, you should always ask yourself if this person sees you as someone to be exclusive with, because sometimes it is troubling to know that he does not have feelings for you but is doing things you thought that may have led you to think that you two on a path to being exclusive. 

Ask him at the right time about what his feelings are and give yourself time and patience to do this.

Men usually will tell you how he’s feeling at the moment when his feelings are uncontrollable and he wants you to finally know.  When a man goes for a woman and tells her what he feels, he no longer holds it in because it’s all inside of him.  Let him come to you about his feelings rather because when you go to him about your feelings, a man will probably be turned off.  He should have enough confidence to show you.  Those feelings are boiling within him and he will finally tell you.

Anyways, that moment when you have loved is amazing because it’s a moment in time, frozen… as I remember it in slow motion.  If you can remember that time and tell him when you have loved him for the first time he will love you even more.  That moment when you tell each other how you’ve felt will sink and melt his heart.

This person whom I’ve fallen in love with, I cannot reveal to you whom he is, he does not want to be known.  A lot of people doubt John Doe, but I promise he is not the typical guy.  He has a good heart.  He is still dealing with issues and things.  He will one day love again and I hope he does because he allowed me to love.  I am very appreciative of that, and I want the best for him.  When you love for real, you will want this person whom you loved to be happy even though he lives his life without you, because you can’t just hold on for dear life forever expecting your lover to love you and be with you when he doesn’t want to.  Yes, hold on for dear life, but please learn to let go of your love and let this person be free.  Love should be free, it should not be fleeting or filled with butterflies, it should be grounded and realistic.   My love for him is real, it’s about him finding happiness and me being there for him when he needs it and being his friend, because I am really his friend.  Some people may say that I am being too easy on him, but I know it isn’t that case.  I am tough on him with my words where I want him to realize what needs changing and my words are there, so he could go over and understand when he needs to.  It’s about understanding and realizing what needs to be when it comes to your friends or love.  You need to express what you need in order to get what you want from your lover by being selfless.  Love should be selfless, because it’s boundless.  Love conquers all.  Love frees us all. It’s about trust and it’s about truth. 

Anyways, that’s how I picture it when you finally love…it’s that moment when it’s right for two people to finally be exclusive and move on to the next level of being together.

I paired this 50's inspired, royal blue dress, with nude pointy heels and pendant necklace...I could also pair it up with these earrings and some other wedge shoes (not pictured here).  I didn't want to make it look like a pin-up wardrobe from the 50's because i wanted to make it look modern and updated while looking sophisticated and simple.  It actually looks really nice on..very feminine.

Why it's okay to give up sometimes...especially when you have tried your best.

What is commitment? Commitment is going through a situation from the beginning to the end and sticking with it even after it ends. You may struggle a little or a lot, and that you have learned commitment when you struggle through it to the very end.

What does it mean to give up? Giving up may save you or it may hurt you, but in the end giving up may give you the strength to get back to situation when you can.

I have committed myself in things like graduating college with five degrees or being in a relationship until the other person didn’t want to be with me anymore and was still around for that someone who didn’t even love me.  I have committed myself because I’ve learned through my parents how to commit first off as a child.  I learned commitment through life several times. I learned it by being with a best friend ever since Kindergarten, being close to my family member for a long time, being a college student for many years, and what not.  Sometimes we fully don’t commit because we know something’s missing.  You either look for that something elsewhere because that one thing or person didn’t give you everything.  Sometimes I look at my exes and wonder what I was missing for them to not want me anymore, but I feel that they didn’t know me or weren’t appreciative of me enough…until I was gone.  I was, in fact, a good girlfriend but I didn’t serve their needs at the time.  Anyways, sometimes being with something or someone is not the right answer, and sometimes you need to let go and give up, in order to give yourself or something(one) else your full or partial attention.

You, men or women, may say that you are giving something or someone your full attention but… are you really?  Some of the men in my life, as in “so-called” male friends have come along and talked to me even when they had girlfriends and wives.  I know I had something that they wanted or needed because they would say to me that their girlfriend lacked the things I had.  I know...  And then I would stop talking to them because I feel they were doing something wrong because they have said many things like how beautiful I was and etc, while they got what they needed in talking to me.  

Anyways, I do not always commit to whatever I am doing, because I feel what I needed at the time will not serve me so I stopped doing whatever it was.  I might pick that thing back up or go back to that person about the situation again and start where I left off whenever I have a chance, or... I may never come back to it, if I have moved on.

Going back to my illness in 2008, when I had given up on my career I realized that I had to move on without it.  Sometimes life tells you, you don’t need it, because you have tried your best. And even though I haven’t gotten a career, I am back on the career path.  I’m doing good, because the situation in giving up taught me to just relax and be positive.  All you need to do is to be positive and be patient.  Take the opportunities that are good for you and if you don’t, then you don’t, because there will always be opportunities.  When you are on a path, you will have opportunities coming your way, good and bad.  Those bad opportunities will take you to other opportunities that may help you in the end or what not, but you will always learn from everything if you are smart and positive.  I’m telling you that you can learn from everything.

If you've tried your best and the situation doesn't get any better, it's okay to give up and try something else.

Because struggling through a situation until the very end, is commitment; if you can’t do that, you’re only giving up because you cannot handle the stress, or the pain.

I know what you are feeling, because that pain hurts too much to be going through with it, so you stop…

It is good sometimes to give up, and sometimes giving up allows you to have a chance for yourself, which is greatly needed when you are going into it wholeheartedly, as in doing your best.  When it uses up your time, energy and effort, it is good if you complete yourself first and prepare yourself for something that takes up your energy and time by giving up.

Don’t be saddened by having to give up.  Sometimes you have to, and when the ego is damaged, it may put you through hard times, but you need to give up in order to work on your soul.  You will have to deal with it when after you’ve given up, because that’s how you move on. Even though I say this, your ego doesn’t need stroking, it’s your mind, soul and heart that need working. Your mind is connected to your heart, the heart is connected to the soul. Sometimes the mind is disconnected to the heart, and sometimes the heart is disconnected to the mind and soul, but if you need to stop to get them to connect, then you would need to do so in order to live a real life being happy and focused.  If you burden yourself with hardship by struggling through commitment, you must stop and heal in order to continue, so give yourself a pat on the back, and pause to relax, breath in and out or to, at last, rest.

Those breaks and gaps is what we need in our society, which allows us to sleep and to wake up after you’ve slept.  There’s so much stress and sleep deprivation going on, it’s pretty serious.  I’m talking about giving yourself a break from things.

Your body which is connected to your mind, heart, and soul needs to understand those three things.  Without your body being connect to those things, you can’t go through a situation that needs commitment, where you struggle.  Please rest when you need it.

Okay, I hope you understand…

The struggle, why we struggle..

Buddha said that life is suffering, meaning he was pessimistic even though he was spiritual and usually won his enemies over.  Buddha does have these thoughts of pessimism because he’s human like us. I speak as though he’s in the presence because he is in the presence.  He’s in the clouds, the river, the pebble in your shoe, and he’s everywhere.  Ha! I put ‘pebble in your shoe,’ because I imagine a pebble in his sandal when he’s walking on his journey to wherever on foot and he's going, “AHhh, this pebble loves me that’s why he’s in my shoe, beautiful pebble, you need not to struggle, please be free, be with the  others like me! I know you, pebble, you love me, too, I am the same as thee…” and then he carefully places the pebble in the river so he could feel the lovely cool water run through it away from the burning sun. 

That pebble is each of us, struggling, tagging along whomever guides him through life.  He is struggling because he does not understand the ‘almighty Buddha’ but is tagging along just to be finally understood or to learn from his ‘teacher.’ 

When you struggle, you are shook up.  You hold on tight but keep your focus.  These obstacles that you experience in your life, test your strength or will, your understanding of things, your preparedness, your attitude toward the experience and etc when you are going over obstacles.  How well you do under pressure tests your true character, your strength and will.  Sometimes it’s so hard that you give up and frail within yourself. 

When you hit rock bottom is when you can look up towards the sky and have hope and faith for yourself.

I have hit rock bottom many times, but what I’ve learned when it comes to situations is that you must ‘accept, deal with it, and move on.’

First, you accept, because all this time you were in denial, not believing what had just happened.  You have to accept in order to deal with it.  Acceptance is key.  A lot of times, people don’t accept what has happened to them, go through their own misery not understanding the situation.  I learn to accept because I was in denial for a long time after I got sick.  Right when I accepted that I could not go back to school and start all over again or start a career, I decided to do something about my misery, moping around on the couch by going back to work after I had recovered from being ill.  I had to deal with my illness in order to move on, so I moped around on the couch in the living room for about two years and finally decided that I had to do something, so I decided to move on.  I kind of moved on and left it behind and only talk about it when I want people to understand and relate, which I am doing now.

These three things helped me get over situations.

These experiences that I have had in the past, allowed me to be appreciative of having to go through them in the past, because it taught me a lot about  how to deal with things and move on.   Whatever you learned from the past teaches you what you should do in other experiences that you may have a chance to go through.  I say “chance” because it is way to understand that you need to go through experiences to learn from life. I had to understand that…without acceptance, I cannot move on.  I needed to come to meaning when it came to acceptance, because the meaning of acceptance is to let go.  Or in order to let go, I had to deal with it secondly.  Many people go through life not dealing with things and when that problem or thing or person shows up, they end up breaking down and crying because they have not dealt with it.

Dealing with it means I had to absorb all of the pain and suffering and sit with it until I was able to no longer have the feelings of misery and hatred for myself.  You go through the process of dealing with things by letting yourself feel the pain in a way, building tolerance so you can get over something else if something was to happen to you again.

So that’s how I moved on from situations, and these situations made me very wise for my age.

People say I am very wise, and Yes, I admit I am.  I am very appreciative of my experiences and I am appreciative of the emotional roller coaster I went through--the anger, the sadness, the crying, the helplessness, because it allowed me to find hope and faith in things.  And Hope and faith is so important, it lets you find that spark to be able to move on or move into the problem of the matter and decipher what you are really dealing with.  You need to understand why and what your situation is, to really learn.

I feel that life is amazing and that it is beautiful because you learn from everything. You learn from movies, books, articles online and offline, cartoons, games, anything.  These things are manmade, in which you do also learn from, that’s why you learn from everything.  There is lesson in your struggles, a lesson that goes unheard and unseen that one day shows up and hits you square in the face, and says “Hey, you learned of me before, now deal with me please…” 

I hope you understand now, that I think my life is amazing because of my shortfalls and everyone has a story.  If you want, please comment here in the comment box about your story and be brave, because the world is listening all time, it’s just that you need to give it attention, love and care.

Please ‘accept, deal with it and try to move on…”

If you can’t move on because you have realized that it was too important to let go, please comment about your story.

On feeling "different" and "alone"

You know I don’t see myself as being different from people or being someone who is “the one” to be looked at in this world, and for me to call myself “different” from people is me, separating myself from others.  I don’t separate myself from others because I want to be like everyone else. I’ve been different all my life and had felt alone because I had felt the world on my shoulders and everything within it from my past.  I was pretty spiritual as a kid but I didn’t want to be alone anymore, even though I say I’m not spiritual now but am still, in a way, spiritual.  I don’t see myself wanting to be “the one” because I see myself as a simple person.  It’s exciting and relieving to know that you are “the one” because you would feel that you are considered to be amazing or extraordinary.  But I’ve been put on the pedestal all of my life, so I don’t want that anymore.

Even Superman would agree with me because he doesn’t want to be extraordinary.  He wants to be the same with us all.  The only reason why he is amazing is because he actually has super powers and who will have to save the day?  He knows that he has those extraordinary powers but yet he doesn’t want people to know that he can do a lot.  He just wants to be like everyone else, to fit in.

I don’t detach myself from people, because they are very much like me because I have eyes, ears, lips, legs, arms just like everyone else.  The experiences I go through, someone else has or may be going through something like it.  My story is for them to understand or to relate…  I can relate to anyone in the world, because I know the world.  Buddha understands your pain and suffering and he does not separate himself from you because he’s understood pain and suffering himself. 

The Buddha was also humble just like that...

The Buddha was barred from understanding life, his father who was the king, wanted him to grow up to one day rule over the world.  A prophet came to his father and said that Buddha will be very powerful, that he will rule nations under him, but he may one day leave the kingdom to do something else, so the prophet warned his father to be very careful with his son, Siddhartha Gautama, the prince.  Siddhartha Gautama led an enriched life with everything he could have: money, gold, roses at his footsteps, a beautiful wife and a son, all the knights working under him, the kingdom and etc., but he left that all behind because he notice things about life whenever he left the palace.  He saw people who were begging for food, he saw a person dying, he saw a monk who was meditating, and other things that made him question about his life.  After he saw a monk, meditating under a tree, he finally one day left the kingdom with his his horse, galloping away from everything he had as a prince and left behind his newborn son.  It may be selfish of Buddha but he wanted to save the entire world, so he left to do so.  There were problems within his world that he wanted to cure and heal or change.

Buddha wanted to understand life and was suffering within in own desires of finding the truths to the world. He wanted knowledge, spiritual knowledge and he wanted to release from his suffering and he wanted to find happiness for those who suffered.  He found that Life is suffering, that in order to find happiness you must first understand suffering.

We suffer everyday when we hunger for food, when we need warmth, a roof over our head, and when we need support and love from others.  We are all battling within ourselves about something, even our curiosity kills us, makes us want to experience, see, hear or touch something.

So I don’t differ from anyone, because I see myself in everyone.  I am you, and you are me, we are a part of each other, because we make up this world. 

When we all have differences that make us the same while we have things that are alike.

This cute, colorful A-line "dot" dress is good for spring if you're looking to find some inspiration in what to wear.  I paired it with flats that had a metal toe cap, a scarf and hoop earrings that has round dangling balls.  I always have liked the Modlook.

I actually feel bad that I get clothing for very low prices, but I do not feel bad when I shop at thrift stores.  Sometimes I get things under $20, $10, or even lower because nowadays women like to get sale items that are very, very low.  Can you imagine the labor that goes into it, where people from India or Indonesia are sewing and breaking their backs to make something now?  Fast Fashion as you call it, has made it so easy to make things so quickly and ship over here for such low costs.  I am sad for the people in India, China, or wherever the labor goes to because they don’t get paid much.

Trump says that he will ship jobs back but the question is “WHAT KIND OF JOBS?”  The jobs that broke people’s back or jobs that have a lot of automation and they hire just a thousand in the whole damn company.  If you ship jobs back EPA, the one who tells which businesses can be here to use up the land, where we throw wastes or rinse waste into our waterways and air.  If Trump selects who can be head of EPA, means we will end up polluting our waters and air.  Do you even think about what that means to us when you elected Trump?  I told someone about China, how their air and land is very much polluted because most of the factory jobs went there back in the 90’s and polluted their air and water.  And not just that, what happens over there happens over here, because the world is round and the wind blows from here to there, not just that…the ocean has currents and sends trash from here to there and all around.

There’s automation going on and Artificial Intelligence is going to happen, where we end up relying more and more on automation and AI.  This means the working blue collar class who voted for Trump will not get what they want in the end, and if these companies are going to come back, they’re going to use Automation because they think in profits—that’s just how capitalism works.

The world should head towards Socialism, but I don’t even know if we are ready for that now, even, maybe another election for Bernie Sanders.  Do you know what the big companies and rich people think of Bernie Sanders, they go “HHHHELLLLL no…” to that.

The more money you have the more power you have, so if Trump isn’t powerful as president the world’s one percent is powerful because they will tell you what you do because they have the capital, or the money to do so. They will be paying politicans, corrupted politicans, to do as they say.

But there are billionaires who are humanitarians or philanthropists.  In the public eye, they are… but who knows who or what they are behind closed doors.

Anyways, when you bring jobs back here and pay higher wages than you did in Mexico or in China, it means the cost of living will go up and not just that, the cost of products will go up, so that means less money to be concerned about--that's if thousands, upon thousands of jobs gets back here because Trump promised us jobs.  People, here, do not want jobs that break your back and they will certainly not go for 20 cent a day job.  The reason why items cost so less now because they were able to break even at a low, very low cost with labor, transportation or what.

Can you imagine our waterways getting polluted just to make a single shirt, that the dyes don’t generally come off when you clean your clothes.  The waste, the excess water runs off somewhere, it has to go somewhere.

I have stopped myself from shopping and now will only shop at thrift stores.  I am very sad about the world where it’s going because I feel we are in deep trouble.  We are just living in a bubble and not understanding how bad it is. 

Please do something about it, now that I have woken you up.

Just think about it, you guys.

Men are just like us, too, toiling within themselves...

You know I am proud to be a woman and I have once in the past had "penis-envy" and acted like a guy while surrounding myself around men.  If I were to separate myself from men, then I don’t understand men.  Do you understand what a man feels on the inside?  We, women, talk about our emotions like nothing, when men retort into themselves and joke around about sex and their penises, since they generally can’t talk about their feelings.  When they talk about their feelings, they are seen as feminine and too much.  If you see a man crying, those are real tears, because a man doesn’t really cry.  Women are allowed to cry and have those emotions because we are emotional, loving and caring. Please don’t deny a man when he is opening up to you and telling you what his feelings and thoughts are, because when he does, it means he’s being real.  A man is, to me, amazing just like a woman.  Or, a woman, to me, is just as amazing as a man.Tell me when a guy looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you and pounds his fist on the table because you denied him, then you are denying what his feelings are for you. I have surrounded myself around men before and I understand how men think and why they are the way they are now.  It’s sad because they toil within themselves just like how we women toil within ourselves due to rape, abuse, or what not.  We, women do not just toil, they do too.  We are all struggling within ourselves… We’re lost in translation because we don’t communicate like we used to. We resorted to texting and not talking on the phone or talking on one on one.  The dating world may not work at all in the future because we are so turned off by men or by each other, and then will humankind continue because we separated ourselves from others because of the opposite sex? The future may not have ‘gender’ or any ‘sex’ in it because the world got turned off because of the abuse or not understanding one another.  Do you understand the laws of polarity (of gender)?  We have gender in everything.   You will not like the world we live in when gender is erased.  Please get away from hating the opposite sex, because you glorified yourself as a woman above men, or a man above women.  You are ‘one’ man and ‘one’ woman because you separate yourself from people. You are not beneath or above, you are balanced within the scale.  Everything is about balance. You can’t tell what my feelings are but my feelings here are telling you how I feel, but if you are here watching me, you will see that I cry for people when they struggle.  That silence is a death sentence because you are stuck within yourself and not ever telling people how you feel or think.  We need to put our phones down and really get to the core of the matter here.  Men struggle as well, too. Please men or anyone, if you are stuck within yourself, practice expressing your feelings. 

I’m telling you if you care, please think beyond yourself and think about what matters to you.  I have emotional intelligence that’s why I write the way I do.  I have feelings about people, I route for people.  I understand why people are the way they are because of this and that and I am, here to tell you the truth or a version of the truth. 

Anyways, I hope I make sense.

You know I do love wrap dresses especially for someone my age who is in their thirties.  I do not like to dress like I'm in my twenties or teens.  I rather dress like sophisticated woman, like how i should look in my thirties.  Anyways, this is a Michael Kors dress that I got for a good price.  It was pretty much discounted.  I don't have a big bank account so I'm going to go within my budget or limits. I even got the necklace at Ann Taylor for a good price.  That's face it, I'm not rich so I'm not going to make it seem like I got it for an expensive price.  If I were a stylist I would pick and choose clothing that is within someone's budget.  Anyways, this dress is brown and it has gold accent logo that makes the dress look expensive without looking drab if it didn't have the gold accent.  It's real nice on too and makes me look womanly like how a thirty something year old woman should.  

FACEBOOK, and the superficiality of it

You know who’s caring and loving is my best friend and I.  We both don’t have many friends and we both don’t go out much.  We used to have a lot of friends in our twenties and teens, but there’s so much about us that are alike that we could have been twins.  Anyways, I notice that I don’t get a lot of 'likes' and probably people are not really tuning into what I am saying and writing, but I really don’t know if they are tuning in or not.  Maybe they tuned in and then got turned off or that they don’t have time to read anything I write.  Sometimes they are offended by me because I am totally opposite of them, where I “GET REAL” with people because I believe in myself and is vocal about who I am and what I’m for. 

Some people look at me and go, “HHmmm I didn’t know she was real smart.”  Something inside of them is having this thought as if they’re feeling insignificant to me because they didn’t know what I am capable of doing.  Somehow they are feeling they need to compensate for that by ignoring me and not supporting me in the things I do because they feel I have it in what it takes to be successful or good at something.  Maybe it’s not that, maybe they just want me to click on the “like” button and that they will do the same, just as long I support them.

I’m not about that, getting a lot of “likes” on my facebook, because to me facebook is superficial and addictive.  It’s superficial because these friends usually only support you when they know you don’t go up against them in anyway.  Or maybe they idealize you in superficial ways.  Maybe they like the fact that they want to be you and are supporting you because they idealize you. 

People don’t idealize me but people do look up to me, there's a difference. I do notice that, because when I left facebook back in 2016, there were people who went up to me and said that I made a lot of sense in my posting, meanwhile there were opposition at home, telling me not to get personal on facebook. If these few people are saying that that I make a lot of sense, that there may be others who think that but do not want me to know.

Let me explain to you why I get personal on facebook, is because I want people to not feel alone and I want people to know that I understand and know about your issues.  There are not enough issues about people going through issues with their lover or what not, and people talking about their problems, everyone is acting like they’re happy and everything's fine and danny because they just posted about their brand new fancy purse or went on a fancy trip to Hawaii.

Those things are superficial because facebook makes you go broke because you constantly have to let people know that they should tune in because “LOOK, I have everything you want and that’s why you should support me. Look I have a new pair of Chanel earrings. Look I eat good. Look I just made some fancy, delicious food.”

Someone who used to be in my life, talks very little and yet she has so many friends.  I don’t get it but I do know because when you are not getting vocal about what you think is right and when you are not going up against someone, and just being quiet and saying a few things, all they need is more heads in their photo to show that they have a lot of support in the world on facebook or instagram, it shows they have all the friends and that people love them.

Don’t you feel good when you have so many “likes” on facebook or on Instagram that you feel good that you are doing something right that people tune in and love you.  It shows you have a good, active social life. They may not even love you for god’s sake, just tuning in because everyone else is tuning in.

Just because people tune in and comment on your page a lot does not mean that they fully love you, it just means they support you but not really support you because you have something they want or need.

My best friend and I don’t follow one another on social media, we talk via face to face or texting.  We text everyday, talking about real issues and we are real good friends.  I can tell her anything and she understands me.  Do you really want all of these friends who are superficial with you supporting you or do you really have a real good friend or two who you can run to about stuff.

Honestly I am a real good person and I like to talk about real issues.  People always say I make a lot of sense and are right about a lot of things.  I am intelligent and I am caring and loving but yet I don’t have many friends.  To have all of those friends, means you constantly need to be cool and fresh and have money because hanging out with your friends means you’re going to go broke or going to spend a lot.

There are some people who like me as a person because I know they support me and are nice to me and I am nice back to them. 

You’re probably like “Bitch, you don’t know what you’re saying and you wish you had my life with this many friends..”  I’m like, “Bitch, I have a good friend whom I tell everything to and I am too happy to be wanting your life.”  I don’t want to be anyone; I just want to be “ME.” I am happy with myself and I am inquisitive, that’s why I question things in my life.

These are my thoughts...

Okay, have a good night…

Learned perspective and on the whole truth or versions of the truth...

Why the whole truth is not the whole truth and why there are versions of the truth…

When I am telling someone a story, sometimes I can’t elaborate exactly like how I wanted to say and sometimes with whatever I’m referring to, I make that person or thing look bad when really it isn’t and when unintentionally it’s not in my purpose to make it look bad…  Yeah so even if I sat with you for hours talking about something, situations may be too complicated to even talk within those few hours and even if I have concluded my feelings about something, my thoughts and feelings about that object, thing or person may change due to learned perspective.

What is learned perspective?

Learned perspective is when that object, thing or person changes to you when you have learned to change or evolve, so that thing changes or evolves with you.  Tell me that when you go through life you don’t just stay the same, you experience things within yourself so whatever you thought about that bad relationship or fallout with a sibling or whatever that comes to mind, your perspective may change as well.  With me and according to me, perspectives keep changing my thoughts and feelings on that object, thing or person throughout my life because I am experiencing and evolving.  If you are not evolving, then you will be stuck thinking the same thing, stuck like a child like someone who does not mature.  Sometimes people are so sheltered, they don’t experience anything and yearn to go out to the world.  Please stop yourself from not letting your children experience life the right way or the wrong way, because sometimes the wrong thing or wrong way will teach something to your kids in the end.

Versions of the truth are matters of opinions and how people perceive something.  Your version of how my story went because you were there as well or took in someone else’s story tells me that there are versions of the truth.  It may not be correct, but in your mind wherever  you are in life, you may one day perceive to be like your friend because maybe you came to realize that that thing, object, or person was in fact the same version of the truth.

When I was emailing a friend, I was not able to converse everything within each email so I would come off as wanting or expecting something when really I have not explained my completely within that email because conversations will get complicated and they overlap or they are little details of what you are thinking. 

If you are not the type to assume, then it means you will not assume when something is said because you realize there is more to a conversations and things don’t end.  A story is just a depiction of someone’s life but it’s not the whole truth unless it was entirely written in a long ass book.  A book is not the end, it just seems like it ends, but life is continuous and keeps going until your story is lost.

Anyways, when I write here, I am not writing the whole truth, there is nonverbal communication going on here that needs to be explained or said in the next posts.  I continue to write because things overlap and I am continuously writing because I have the needs and wants to explain myself.

Please never stop explaining yourself because people will always have their own mind of explaining their version of the truth due to what they have stored within that memory, within their brain or how they come off when they speak of your story.

Anyways, I hope I make sense.

 I haven't worn this dress but i tried it on and it's so nice on. I generally don't like dresses that are skater but this has a A line skirt, basically not skater...  It's really nice on and I paired it with navy blue pointy shoes and cubic zirconia earrings that dangle on the ears...

Let people assume...

Let people assume and then prove them wrong, so they can crash and burn within themselves, because all of those thoughts that they have had, thinking the same things in same ways will let them rethink about whom they are, and why this person proved them wrong.  People like to be right mostly, but I am not self-righteous.  I am going to be challenged, proven wrong and sometimes no one wins because we were both right.  Sometimes there is no right or wrong in certain things or situations because they are opinions, and opinions are not facts. Even facts crash and burn because our books wrote in concrete that this and that happened and we in a way strangled our children to the point of forcing them to believe the things we wrote our textbooks. I am not a scientist to be saying that the big bang really happened or to say that there is really no god. I do not come to a conclusion, but I conclude because these moments are phases within my life. I have thought and continued to rethink my theories because I am adaptable. I am also stubborn because I am confident in what I think and say but in a way I can change my thoughts whenever I feel I am wrong.  I take everything into consideration because being aware and being open-minded means that my mind is able to understand that people may not be lying that they were telling the truth in the end.  Maybe there is a god, and maybe there is no god, but who am I to say that the big bang really happened when I am not a scientist.  If I am an expert I would at least rally around my ideas and be passionate about my theories and what I know to persuade people to think like me or to get me at least.  But sometimes their theories are wrong in the end or maybe not even wrong per say but not right for this time.

People tell me not to assume all the time, but what is so wrong with assuming when the mind is making sense of things and filling in the blanks?  If you did not tell me the whole truth, my mind is going to fill in the blanks, and this is where you fill in the blanks because you have explained yourself.

Anyways what is the whole truth? I will get into that topic someday.

You should never get tire of explaining yourself, because you understand yourself more than anyone.  Even if you don’t understand yourself, at least communicate, because if you do, you may understand and know yourself more.

Communication is important when it comes to people assuming and not getting it right, as long as we continue to communicate.

I always take everything into consideration because if you are expressing yourself and telling me something or yelling at me because no one understands, those thoughts, feelings and ideas are important because it’s you, it’s what’s on the inside.  Please don’t tell someone to shut up or be quiet. I tell myself to shut the fuck up because I get annoyed with myself, but let someone freely express themselves whether they’re being vulgar or what not, because they are expressing themselves.  If they are not doing something right, you will (do you understand now?) prove them wrong.  This is why we communicate.

Please don’t tell me to stop assuming… I understand why people assume.  It’s human nature.  If you don’t assume, then try try try extra hard to not fill in the blanks, because most likely you will be assuming something, since people like to know they’re right.  You’re stuck thinking a certain way and believing something for a long time, of course you’ll be offended by someone who is showing what is right or wrong.

If you don’t think you assume, please record yourself and listen to your conversations with people.  You will be surprised that you are just like the others, assuming when you didn’t know you assumed.  Anyways, it’s human nature to assume because the mind always makes sense of things because the mind wants to. What the mind wants, the mind gets, when the mind thinks it gets.  Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you.  If you’re constantly thinking and being open-minded, you may evolve to be a certain way or even change the way you think until whenever you go away.  The mind sometimes doesn’t evolve until that one person challenges you and makes you think.  The Buddha challenges people and people challenges him.  Anyways, it might be refreshing and relieving to finally get what someone is saying when they’re telling you something you don’t know.  The Buddha askes people to challenge him, because he understands that there needs to be freedom of thought and there being challenge.  He wants people to live freely and understand life.  If there is new world order, we need to challenge our leaders and do what’s right for our time or for their time.  Anyways, I hope I make a lot of sense.  Sometimes you need to knock the sense out of people, to get them to listen up. If you don’t get it now, you will or you won’t.  It all depends in what you think…especially which sides you take on a debate or even if you understand or don’t understand.  Anyways, have a good day.

It's a privilege to able to vote...

I say all of this activism going on in the world about women’s rights is beautiful, but you know what if I went out there with a microphone and a camera and really (nicely) asked people if they voted in the election, what would they say?  Would they be like “Uhhhh no…” then there’s a shuffling of the microphone and see them looking into the space as if they’re confused.  I mean illegal immigrants can’t vote but I’m talking about if not all, most of the supporters of the cause, did they go out there and vote?  All of these people saying that they wished they were there at the cause and were there in spirit, have they rallied people to vote or just sat back and watch the nation go to hell as they call it.  If it’s hell, then why didn’t you prevent Trump from going into office?  Even if they didn’t rally people to vote, maybe they didn’t even send the absentee ballot to vote because that’s the least you can do for yourself if you’re too lazy to go out to polls or you can’t because you have a long day at work. I have talked about this to my friend about the privilege to vote. It could be taken away one day because people didn’t see the need to vote, because we put the laws into the hands of our dictator or whoever tells us what to do, how to dress, how to act, how to live.  Would you even want that to happen?  Please don’t be an idiot and complain about Trump being elected when you saw no need to go out to polls or even sent in an absentee ballot.  I rest my case.

P.S. I have voted ever since I was 18. I knew that I was happy to be able to vote.  Some people don’t even have the privilege to vote.  The African Americans and the first women did it for us to have the privilege to vote.  Please think about your actions and vote next time.  That’s your voice right there.  People can you please tell me that you should have said, “I wish I was at the polls but I’m there in spirit, instead of going “I wish I was at the women’s march” when you didn’t vote.  Then at least I know you had a thought about voting the next time around.  If you’re so passionate about the right to be women, why didn’t you stop Trump from happening and go out and passionately vote, because when you vote, you are voting for yourself, to have a voice, meaning man or woman.   This is for the people who sweat with blood and tears who got out there and passionately helped their candidate win the election or rallied people to vote, because they believed in themselves and in their candidates and believed in the system. Please vote…  You mean you want to go against our institutions when we have worked and tweeked the system to accommodate you to have a voice.  If you want change, please think about what you are doing to go into the real cause of change, the system.  Getting people to wake up and be aware of the worldly matters or causes within their cities.  You better go into every space or loophole there is and battle where there needs to be battle to create the world you want.  You want it, you better go and get it, because the laws of attraction is about “action.”  Not putting “action” where the attention is not needed.  I’m not saying that the women’s march wasn’t a true cause, but please don’t stop there, please keep going and do what’s right to change this nation.  All of this world is going to end or end of days in Hollywood where you put your money to go see, where millions of dollars go is the law of attraction coming up on our tails, saying you believe the world going to end, okay then the world is going to end, Bitches.  It takes a lot of energy to get the world back in order, but if you knew it was coming, please prevent something from happening for example like go out there and vote. Excuse my language.  Let’s get real here.  Okay, I need not to say anymore because when I have said that, you should at least put your attention and thoughts where it should be, like being positive and being kind to everyone around you.  Okay then, I rest my case, again.

Death of a Friend. I wrote this in 2014. I have emailed this to a friend but I have someone in my life who is struggling with death. People who have experienced death within their family or circle of friends, struggle and go through a lot and ask the question "Why?" In order to understand life you must understand death because they go hand in hand.

It seemed like it’s been an eternity since I’ve even talked about him.  I’ve never had a dream about him, but I wished I did so I can see where he’s at in heaven.  I’m not sure what really happened to him, because no one even wanted to say what happened.  It’s like a secret that I will probably never know and I won’t even ask about it.  It’s just that it was sudden and when I heard about it, I dropped the phone and was in total shock.  Why? But I knew…because I knew how he was with everything. 

The first time I met him was a year before he died.  I’m grateful to have met him because of him; I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I’ll tell you….

First day, he approached me; we were sitting at a club while talking on a metal rail.  Men always approach me and ask for my number but him, he wanted to talk.  He asked me, “Where are you from?”  I told him that I lived in San Francisco and I knew his friend.  He wasn’t hitting on me, so I kept talking to him.  We talked the whole night until we were ready to leave the club.

 

At first I thought it was odd that he wanted to continue the conversation.  At that time, I didn’t want to talk to any guy.  I don’t remember how he got my number, for some reason we started talking more and more. I learned that he loved art and I, too, loved art.  But at that time I was pretty bitter with life.  He could tell with the things I said to him.  I hated my life.  I would tell him things like “I can’t believe she did that to me, she’s a bitch. I don’t want to talk to her…” Such things like that came out of my mouth because I was a troubled person.  The one thing that I remember most from him was the situation with his co-workers.  They would tease him, throw shaving cream at him, call him names, but he never retaliated.  He remained calm and was always happy.  When he told me that, I wanted to go to his workplace and slap those idiots.  I would have done that too, at that time.  I was very confrontational.  I even yelled at my housemate who lived upstairs because she would intentionally walk hard on the floor of the ceiling.  Every time she stepped, it would make a loud crack, basically because she stomped on the floor so many times when I was at home that it bent the floor and my ceiling.  I knew she had a problem with me and I, too, had a problem with her.  Anyways I told him; don’t let them do that to you. Say something to them.  He said no, because I guess he was indicating that karma would get them.

I didn’t listen to him.  Every time I told him of a problem I had, he would say “be happy.” And he would giggle.  When he said it, he would say it with a smile. He was always good-spirited.  But like I said, I didn’t listen. I kept on being bitter.  It’s hard when you’re going through life at a tough time, you just want to yell and scream at everyone.  But I never yelled at him, because he was always good to me.  To me, he was like an angel who didn’t have a perfect life.  I still remember his laugh. 

Him, he didn’t have a perfect life.  He told me he had gone to the psychologist many times because of a girl he had a crush on and of course other things too, but maybe I didn’t know about.  That girl used him and denied him.  He was a cute guy though.  So why?  I don’t really know. I remember talking to him late at night and I asked him, “Do you want to date me?”  I didn’t like him but I just wanted to know what’s it’s like to date him, cause he was such a good guy.  He said, “You’re like this friend of mine who is also pretty too.  Everyone always ask me why I don’t date her?  You remind me of her. Nice and pretty.  I’ve known her for so long as friends that I can’t date her, and you, you’re my friend.” I don’t remember the exact words he said, but it was similar to that. I wasn’t mad. I actually understood him. I smiled when he told me that.  This lady friend of his, he talked about her all the time.  That made me happy to know I was a good friend of his.  He, had his moments though, but I never saw it.  He seemed to be happy all the time.  What’s even sad that he would tell me he had suicidal thoughts?  Why would a happy person like him be suicidal?  I remember I wasn’t on alert when he said that as if it never occurred to me that he said that.  Maybe it was as if I cared about myself so much that it wasn’t real.  That was my downfall.  I didn’t care enough to run to him, shake him out of it and tell him to not ever be suicidal. 

Months later, I called him but my phone cracked open on the floor when it fell to the floor and I think I didn’t get a reply because I wanted to ask him to go camping with me.  I didn’t have a phone for a whole month.  That day when I went camping, a black crow was crowing.  When we went home, that same day a black crow flew down in front of my car when I was driving off.  Birds don’t do that.  When I was able to get a phone, the phone call came.  He died. 

That night I sat in my room, crying hysterically.  As I cried, I cradled myself.  I even saw a big white orb flying into my room that night, but I didn’t think anything of it.

When I went to his funeral, everyone wondered if I was okay.  I looked horrible.  I remember walking up to his coffin and people were standing around and I couldn’t look at his face.  I didn’t even try.  

What happened?  I remember thinking that.

What happened?

In those months after our last conversation…I didn’t talk to him.  It was about three months where we didn’t talk.  Why it was like that, I didn’t know.  Maybe he was going through a lot and didn’t want to talk to me. 

No one told me the reason why he died. But deep down I know what happened.  I just can’t ask to confirm. I’ll just leave it at that.

I looked at my life.  Death does it to you.  When you know someone close has died, you look at death and think about life.  It goes together.  I was so immersed in my own life; I didn’t even bother to check up on him constantly.  Someone is telling you they are suicidal, you can’t just ignore it.  Even if it wasn’t suicide, I could have at least tried.  For years, I beat myself up because of one thing. I wasn’t there for him, I was so bitter with my life, I didn’t even try.  But a few days after he died…I just remember him telling me to be happy.  Please be happy.  Just be happy.  Ever since, I thought about that and I remembered that I need to be happy.  So I learned everyday how to be happy.

Because of him, I am here today feeling happy.  It took a while but I am here now.  I hope this story lets you think about why you should be happy.  Don’t let it be a death that finally triggers that.  Let this be a story that happened to someone who learned it.  Kids are generally just happy for no reason, so I just became happy because it’s easy like that.

I do remember that laugh always.  It’s the kind of giggle that makes you giggle too.  He’s probably laughing happily in heaven right now. 

Anyways, my favorite flower is the orchard.  Tien got me that flower when he came to visit me in San Francisco.  When he died, I bought him an orchard and lay it on his grave.  My mom told me that since I’m sick, that I shouldn’t visit the cemetery much, because it attracts spirits. When I was troubled, I would visit my aunt’s grave a lot.  I had a lot in common with my aunt who passed away.  She had a mental illness like me, she was pretty and she was very nice. She died from postpartum.  I remember when I went to visit her; I felt this overcast over me.  My friend who is a psychic told me I had a black aura at that time.  Black auras are really, really bad.

After Tien’s death, I started to hear voices.  I remember in the room in San Francisco, I would hear people talking outside of my room. I would cover up the windows because I thought people were ease dropping and looking into my windows. I don’t know if that’s the start of my mental illness or that it started in Australia, but I remember when I flew to Australia, I started to hear crazy bad voices.  Before that, it was voices like “Why are you doing that in your room, Silly Girl?” and voices like, “I can see what she’s doing in the window…”  They weren’t bad voices at all.  I remember feeling cold in San Francisco a lot, that room was really cold.  I even had dreams of a dark figure walking in my room and had to get a Dreamweaver.  Tien had some problems with spirits and he would tell me stories about ghastly spirits in his room. 

Death has reminded me of life.  When someone dies, you think about your life, and whether life meant anything to you.  Life can be short sometimes.  Your life as you know it may change according to these people who passed away, showing you that you better not take life for granted.  I see death in the news all the time, and I always ask if there is life after death.  Perhaps, yes or no, I’m not definitely sure.  I know that life moves on without you, when you die, and that memory that people have of you is there, either good or bad, but the lesson here is that those encounters you have with people left a mark in their lives, that your purpose in life is not to go alone but to savor the times you have with people.  Don’t ever go alone in life, cause that’s lonely and sad.   If it didn’t leave a mark, it makes people think that perhaps they should be careful not to just let life go because they have no idea what your story is…

If I die, I know I’ve done a lot to make life easier for those around me.  I’m all about making life easier for people.  Life is tough sometimes, but having me here in life, teaching people how to be happy has helped me in the end.  Gives me reason and purpose to live. I’ll continue to leave a mark in people’s lives until the day I die. And If I die, I’ll go to heaven and be happy there because I made a difference.

Anyways, I’m just saying try to be happy… because all you can do is be happy.  All you have to do is change your thoughts and behavior, and give yourself a reason to be happy every day.  There are so many things that you can be grateful for.  I know I’m grateful mostly because of my experiences with myself and people, that I’m happy today.

So, be happy!